If the Future Was Gay
"WE GO BACK TO MY APARTMENT AND ENGAGE IN HETERONORMATIVE ACTIVITY"
This little gem comes from the Content Machine, a self-described "horrible comedy duo", with their playful portrayal of a dystopian future, in which heterosexuality is outlawed and everybody must pretend that they're gay in order to survive – or else face "re-edugaytion" by the Gaystapo. It's like an inversion of the 'The Handmaid's Tale' crossed with 'Idiocracy'.
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TRANSCRIPT
PROTAGONIST: This is a day in the life of a gay future as a closeted-straight. I wake up in my rainbow sheets and immediately put on my G to mark my orientation. For breakfast, I make bacon and eggs, but I have to hide it from the Gayborhood Watch, so I eat Queerios to cover up.
Heterosexuality has been outlawed. The world is now gay. At 11, I go to my mandatory Daily Pride Meeting.
DAILY PRIDE LEADER: And that's why we must snuff out all heterosexuals! Yeah! Gay Power!
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PROTAGONIST: No one can find out I'm actually straight. Back home, I watch an illegal download of an old content machine video. Their content has been banned for being "Too Straight".
I could be arrested for watching this. Later on, I spot a beautiful lesbian outside. Is she checking me out? Is it possible? A straight woman? I thought they were extinct!
We go back to my apartment and engage in heteronormative activity. This pure hetero love is an act of resistance in a tyrannical world. But then – my worst fear, the Gaystapo!
(Protagonist hides under furniture to avoid the Gaystapo)
I hide, as my lover attempts to stop the officer. It's no use. He's determined to eliminate all heteros from the world – me, included.
If caught, I'll go to a Re-edugaytion Camp and she'll be arrested for "Harboring Straights".
I decide that I will be straight or die trying. He leaves. The coast is clear. We're gonna be okay.
(Gaystapo grabs Protagonists' feet from beneath the furniture, where he's hiding)
But he must have smelled my love for Tom Brady. He arrests me for being "Straight" on a Friday night. And that's my day.
Running Time: 1 min
It's like bizarro world in real time.
It's worse than that. Yesterday I was stopped for speeding. I flirted with the cop to try to get out of the ticket. But I got another one for female flirting with a gay cop. I guess the storm trooper gear and silver aviator glasses faked me out. I will contest it at court maintaining I thought he was a lesbian.